Jessi Ngatikaura Was ‘Terrified’ Affair with Marciano Brunette Would Go Public (Exclusive)

Jessi Draper Ngatikaura is opening up.

During The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season 2, the MomToker, 33, denied rumors that she was spotted kissing Marciano Brunette, a cast member of the Hulu show Vanderpump Villa. However, this season, Jessi is coming clean about her connection with Marciano and how she processed the fact that she’d be sharing this publicly.

When the suggestion that something existed between the two was first made, Jessi tells PEOPLE she was “terrified.”

“I was terrified because I was like, ‘Oh no, this could be coming out.’ But also, that wasn’t true. I never kissed him in public, so that rumor was a rumor.”

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“So I was like, ‘Okay, I can get around that because it isn’t true that we kissed at a bar. We kissed in a hotel room.’ Obviously, I did kiss him and have an emotional affair, but there was a difference there. But I was scared. I was like, ‘Oh no, maybe people just put two and two together. They figured it out.’ ”

“In that moment, I got through it, but I should have known that you can’t have secrets in reality TV. It just isn’t plausible.”

This season shows Jessi trying to set the record straight, even when it doesn’t paint her in the best light. Part of this effort is meeting back up with Marciano to take a lie detector test to prove that while there was kissing and conversation, the two did not sleep together.

“Looking back, I think one of my regrets from the season is that I was so nice to Marciano, and I was kind of borderline flirty. It was the first time I had seen him since things had ended. So there were still some lingering feelings, and I was in a bad place in my marriage,” she acknowledges.

“We were separated. I was just in a weird headspace, but I also needed to get to the bottom of things. I needed to be nice to [Marciano] so he would take the lie detector test, tell me the truth about why he lied, tell us the truth about Demi,” Jessi continues.

In episode 3, Marciano confirms to Jessi that he lied about them having sex and said he lied because he felt “used and manipulated” when she stopped talking to him. He also states that they did not have sexual contact besides kissing during the lie detector test.

“The girls and I really saw it as an opportunity to get the information we needed,” she says. “And if we were just immediately mean to him or defensive, he wouldn’t have done that. I also felt like he needed to come to dinner because we needed those lie detector results together as a group and it just made sense for us to do that, plus we had more questions for him. I think some of the girls you see question him about Demi of it all and dinner was the right setting for that.”

That said, Jessi could understand why the decision was upsetting to Jordan, noting, “I understood where he was like, ‘Hey, I’m still hurt by this guy and what you did.’ I understand it triggering him.”

Referring to one of their arguments that plays out on screen, Jessi points out, “I think when you see [Jordan] yelling at me, anyone who’s been in a toxic or emotionally abusive situation will pick up on the fact that that was not abnormal behavior. And it was on camera, which means in real life it’s usually 20 times worse.”

“I was surprised Jordan showed that side of himself on camera, but that is kind of what opened up us sharing that side of our story and the toxic dynamic we did have. But yeah, I knew that he was going to be upset and I understand that, but I wish he’d kind of just tried to see it from my point of view of, ‘I need to get the information and this is my only time.’ ”

In a statement to PEOPLE, Jordan says, “I take full accountability for the pain I caused Jessi during our marriage. At that time in my life, I was deeply unhealed, and as the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. That doesn’t excuse my behavior in any way, it’s something I’ve had to face and take full responsibility for.”

“Over the past year, I’ve been in consistent therapy and doing the hard work to understand the impact of my actions and to grow into a healthier, safer, and more self aware person,” Jordan continues. “My focus now is on continued healing, being the best father and husband I can be, and making sure that the patterns of my past never repeat. I have deep remorse for the hurt I caused and so much respect for Jessi’s strength in continuing to fight for our marriage and family.”

During this rocky period, Jessi was able to lean on the other ladies of MomTok for support, which was more valuable to her than she could have imagined. Sharing her truth with them was a difficult step in this process, but one that helped Jessi feel she had her community.

“I didn’t expect the girls to turn on me by any means, because we are close, but I was terrified to tell them just because it is a scary thing to talk about. None of them liked Marciano for good reason, and I just thought they would be so disappointed in me,” she admits.

“So I went into all of that, especially with Mayci and Mikayla, really scared I was going to lose my friendships and they wouldn’t want to be friends with me because of what I did,” Jessi continues.

“But they all were so supportive and they were just there for me. And I would say even though season three was really difficult for me, the silver lining that I got from it was that I built these bonds with these girls that were with me through the ups and downs. It’s friendships I’ll have forever, so I’m so grateful for that.”

Jessi credits Mayci and Mikayla for being there for her despite being in very busy seasons in their own lives, as they were both pregnant during filming of season 3.

“Mayci and Mikayla had been my rocks throughout the entire season. I was with them pretty much every day throughout my separation. They helped me get to the bottom of everything. And even though they were disappointed in what I did and they were honest with me about their feelings, they never wavered in their friendship with me,” she shares.

“They were on my side and they were going to bat for me. So I’m so grateful for those two specifically and it strengthened our friendship so much.”

Jessi also appreciated the compassion that Taylor Frankie Paul showed her, adding, “Taylor paved the way.”

“I feel like the only reason I had the strength to share what I did was because Taylor did it first. She did it in season one. She shared the swinging and the arrest and the cheating and her marriage falling apart, the hardest things you can share publicly about your relationship and your personal life. And she did it with grace,” she says.

“Even though it was messy at times, she got through it and she gave me so much advice and it bonded us a lot. She had so much support and love for me and I’m just so grateful for that, because not many people can relate to doing that publicly. The fact that someone else can understand what I was going through was so helpful.”

Jessi is both excited and anxious to see viewers react to her story, knowing that getting it all out there is an important step in moving forward, though “the hardest part of this journey.”

“When you’re sharing your life publicly, you live it on camera, but then you’re getting better, things evolve and change. And then you have to reopen the wound and watch it publicly, hear the opinions and do all of that,” she explains.

“So luckily, we’ve been in therapy, and I feel like that’s helping us while this is coming out, to stay on the right track. But I definitely think it is going to be hard because it makes you relive it. And I think the biggest thing I struggle with is people’s opinions, because for a long time, I had a lot of friends and family who didn’t love Jordan just because of how he had treated me. Now they’re going to be seeing some of that and seeing the backlash. I just hope that everyone in our lives can realize that we’re working on things and we just want to move forward.”

As for Marciano, Jessi says the two “haven’t talked in a long time,” which makes her “curious how he’s going to handle” the story playing out for fans.

“I don’t know what he’s going to say or do, but again, he’s part of the story. He has a right to say his side. I just hope he speaks honestly, because as you can see in the show, he has lied about some things. I just hope that he speaks his truth and it is the truth, instead of trying to chase clout. We’ll see what he says, I guess.”

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season 3 is now streaming on Hulu.